"There's a chipmunk in the house."
Hello, everyone, I've decided to post some of the funnier e-mails I've collected over the years...so I offer this missive, written by Matthew, for your entertainment. Do not attempt to eat while reading this, you will do serious damge to your sinuses and keyboard.
Friday, September 17, 1999
Dear Fr. Bob,
First of all, I would like to thank you for the return of my hat. I was wondering what was in the package when it came, and when I opened it I was overjoyed! But, alas, as I tried it on, I had a terrible realization. In the weeks without my hat to keep it under control, my head must have swelled up! The hat didn’t fit anymore! I quickly readjusted the size and tried it on again, and was relieved to find that it fit now, just not as well as before. In any case, it is still my long-lost faithful hat that I have been missing for so long, so I thank you, and the housekeeper who found it behind the toilet, (how did it get there?) and you for mailing it back to me.
So now, a funny story that took place last week, that I thought you might find interesting: We, Robert, Jonathon and I, arrived home from school last Friday to find the house locked and nobody home. So, having nothing else to do, I paused to enjoy the sunshine, while Jonathon opened the door with his key and went inside. As I moseyed up to the front porch, yawning, an excited voice exclaimed something from within the cool gloom of our home,
"There’s a chipmunk in the house!" it said. I perked up.
The voice, actually Jonathon’s, came again as Robert joined me on the porch after fetching the mail,
"There’s a chipmunk in the house!"
This could get interesting, I thought, and rushed inside, with Robert right at my heels. We discovered Jonathon in the dining room looking cautiously about him with a look of uneasiness on his face.
"What did you say?" I asked.
"There’s a chipmunk in the house!" he exclaimed in a hoarse whisper.
"Well, then, uhh . . . Yeah right! You’re kidding!" I countered, but no sooner than had I finished this sentence, that we heard the distinct sound of little sharp claws skittering across our hardwood kitchen floor and the popping sound of claws-on-rug proceeding down the hallway.
We all looked at each other.
"Told ya," Jon said, and rushed down the hall.
Hey, this could be interesting, I thought as Robert and I paused to fetch some containers with which to capture the vermin, before heading after Jonathon.
We discovered the chipmunk within the office, but we would not have known it was there, if it weren’t for the sounds it was making. The noises were most distinctly chipmunk-y; scuttling and the occasional chirp. I poked my head into the room, scanning every corner, shelf, nook and cranny for the chipmunk, my body followed my head, and the boys after that, closing the door behind them. I looked at a shelf from where the sounds seemed to be coming from, and inspected it, keeping the boys on their guard and alert at the door. As I near the source of all the sounds, it became clear that they were emanating from underneath it, and when I lowered my head to take a look, my suspicions were justified. Jonathon wasn’t hallucinating, and there was a chipmunk in the house!
Hey, this could be inter . . . I began, but my train of thought was suddenly interrupted by the panicked chittering and frenzied scurrying as the chipmunk noticed me. It began to run around frantically under the shelf like a cornered wombat with a caffeine addiction, chittering as threatingaly as it could. Quickly backing up, a thought suddenly popped into my head. It hurt, so I stopped for a moment, considering our situation. The pain subsided, and I turned to Jon to give him some quick instructions.
Jonathon returned back to the scene of action a short minute later, carrying a tub of peanut butter and a long stick, as per my directions. He handed them to me and without hesitation I ripped off the lid and dunked the stick into the thick gooey mixture, the oily aroma meeting my nose, and probably the chipmunks. The stick exited the container of peanut butter, efficiently slathered in the attractive (?) substance. I approached the shelf, clutching the stick in my hand like some kind of bizarre weapon.
"
"Here, chip-chip-chippy-chipmunk I said as I approached the shelf, and peeked under. There was the chipmunk, looking nervously back at me from under the shelf. I signaled to the boys to have their buckets ready to catch it. They tensed and watched me as I stuck the peanut in what seemed like an inviting manner towards the chipmunk, saying, "chik, chik, chik, chipmunks like peanut butter, yes, they do, etc. etc." It eyed the stick cautiously, then nervously, then alarmingly, and finally panicked. The animal suddenly exploded into an inferno of whirling claws and rapid movements, like the Warner Bros. Tasmanian devil. I yelled and leapt back, as the tiny animal exploded out of its lair and began to run frantically around the room in a vain effort to escape. At the same time we all suddenly exploded just as it had, except with war yells, and our buckets crashing down around in an effort to catch the animal just as vain as it’s attempt to escape. The chipmunks striped body streaked around the room, once, twice, until on the third pass,
Robert was waiting for it, and bravely brought his foot to stop it short, but stepped on it instead. HE screamed in surprise and lifted his foot again. This stopped the chipmunk, but only for about half a second, at which point it turned around and started doing laps around the room in the opposite direction.
After a couple of minutes of this, we knew we needed a plan. So, the boys and I quickly decided to block of the top of the stairs, as to not let the chipmunk downstairs, and finally chase it out the back door. So, we quietly opened the door, and filed out, keeping the animal inside, the room, or trying to, for just as the door was closing . . . a black-and-yellow bolt of lightening streaked out of the room, faster than the eye could see.
"DON’T LET IT REACH DOWNSTAIRS" I bellowed as we flung ourselves at the fleeing animal.
"NOOOOOOO. . . " too late. I skidded around a corner at the last instant to catch
a glimpse of a black and white, tiny striped rocket bulleting down the stairs.
"GNAAAAAAR!" I ejaculated, and hurled myself after the panic-stricken mammal. I pursued down the last flight of stairs, through the hall, and into our room. I followed, to find the chipmunk under the boy’s bed. I noticed that it was either out of breath or hyperventilating, so I sat to wait for the boys. They arrived, Jonathon looking around in disbelief, Robert saying ‘sorry’ a whole bunch. I pointed to under the bed, where they both looked. We discussed and presently decided on another course of action. I would hold a container on one side of the bed, and then the boys would attempt to scare it into the trap from the other side. Needless to say, the ‘master plan’ failed, with much the same result as the office, the chipmunk exploded furiously, rocketed around the room, with us in pursuit. Robert, sure of success this time, stepped on it again, in the same scenario. Finally, our mad rush was interrupted by an authoritative voice emnatingblasting down from upstairs.
" WHAT’S GOING ON IN HERE!?" Mom was home. This could be interesting. I rushed upstairs, ordering the boys to keep everything under control. As I approached mom on the landing she asked again
" What is going on?"
"There’s a chipmunk in the house."
"WHAT!?!?!!?!"
"There is a chipmunk in the house."
"I heard you, but, how?"
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Show me" she said as Andrew came in.
Soooooooo . . . I did.
"Good grief," were her words as she entered the room. The boys could be seen quickly, quietly and cautiously running about the room, bucket in hands, chipmunk in front.
Immediately mom inspected, took control of, then mastered the situation, simply by opening a window and leaving the room to let the animal find its own way out. Now, I had considered that course of action before we started chasing that darn thing around, but I had had a boring day so, of course I chose the most time-consuming, inefficient, disorganized, frantic, complicated and panicky approach to the problem. Basically, the approach involving the highest percentage of fun.
That’s my story, and so on to the question you asked me. I have been thinking about it, and as near as I can tell, there are good priests, and bad priests. One must be the right kind of person to be a priest, and if one just joined up for the money, free food or free respect, well . . . that’s bad.
On the other hand, I know of more ‘good’ priests than ‘bad’, and all have different qualities and skills.
And then there are priests who seem to drop in at various intervals just to cause trouble, doing various mischievous {yet funny} things like implanting visions of triple cheese, all-dressed quadruple anchovy extra extra large, quarter pound pepperoni {net weight before cooking} Mega black olive, double cheese, spicy sausage, mushroom, pepper, thick crust pppppiiiiiiiiizzzzzzzaaaaaaa, mmmmmmmmm . . . . .
But that’s why we like you.
Sincerely
Matthew Fournier